#10: The One Where I Suddenly Had a 10-Year-Old
Reflections on ten years of motherhood.
Dear friend,
How are you? And how is your heart?
December is the month of birthdays in my household. Life decided that all three of my children would just have to be born in the same month as me and Jesus. By the third pregnancy, it had become a running joke (where I was secretly crying inside!), although now, it does fill my heart with joy that my little tribe share this special time of the year with me.
Four birthdays in the busiest season of the year, in addition to running a small business in Q4, plus homeschooling and house-holding, results in December being nothing short of hectic, leaving me with very little time or space to write.
And in all honesty, with all that’s happening in the world and bearing witness to the genocide in Palestine, life has been a lot lately. Just this constant heaviness and heartbreak, so much so that despite having so much to say, I haven’t really been able to say anything at all. But alas, the world does not stop revolving, as much as we may want it to, and we are pushed into continuing to move along with it. And I must continue to write, as we all must continue to do the things that move rivers within us.
Holding on to joy amidst darkness and pain can be a life-saving rope for not just ourselves, but others too. So, I write. As long as God grants me the ability and the life and the inspiration, I will continue to write.
Earlier this month, my eldest turned 10 years old. Falling pregnant with him 10 years and 9 months ago was part of the catalyst that led to the destruction of all I have ever known, and led me onto the long and winding road into myself - and to God.
Part of me still cannot comprehend that 10 whole years have passed since he entered this world, his birth playing such a big part in my own rebirth. Part of me still cannot believe that in this perceived reality of time and space, 10 years have passed since one version of me died, and another version of me was born. But all of me knows that in the ten years since I became a mother, I have grown in ways I never could have without this.
I have unlearned and re-learned so much more about life, Being, presence, consciousness and God than I ever could have without this. Without my son coming along and turning my world upside down, I would never have discovered the treasures of my own soul in the way that I have and I most certainly would not be as strong and resilient as I am now. Because I have had no other choice but to be so. Motherhood kinda does that to you.
Just sharing a few reflections and thoughts on motherhood and what I’ve learnt over the last ten years since becoming a mother, while undergoing multiple rebirths myself. If anything resonates (or doesn’t!), leave a comment below and let’s talk…😊
Out of all the many experiences I have had in my time being human so far, motherhood has to have been the most challenging of them all.
When I became a mother, I was not ready to become a mother. The universe obviously thought differently and had other plans of course, but from the very moment your child exits its home within you and enters this temporary home around us, you are changed forever. Forever.
And you have absolutely no idea of the road that lies ahead. You have no idea of the battles you will have to wage with your own soul, your own ego, your own needs, your own selfishness, your own desires, your own time, your own conditioning. You have no clue as to the painful lessons your children will teach you through the monumental responsibility of raising them well. It’s tough. And as a society that has moved towards isolated homes and families, I really feel that we don’t talk about this enough.
Motherhood is really f*cking hard. It takes all of you, every moment of every day. It takes ALL of you. I don’t want this to come across as complaining because that is not my intention. I just want to express that as beautiful and rewarding and incredible as the whole experience can be, it is equally brutal. We need to be able to acknowledge this truth without guilt, shame or judgement.
Women are not meant to do everything. And it is a violence against our very nature and being that society pressures us to do so.
Consciously parenting your children goes hand-in-hand with re-parenting yourself.
I would go so far as to say that becoming a parent is the biggest opportunity, opening and responsibility that life hands you to embark on your own journey of healing and personal liberation. It’s our choice as to whether we take the opportunity, or not.
Parenthood is a mirror. It reflects back to you all the unhealed parts of yourself that deserve your time, love and attention. It’s just ironic that while doing that, parenthood also steals your time away from you! 😅 Just know that in loving and raising your children well, you also have the opportunity to love and raise your inner child and give them everything they needed but didn’t receive as children, too.
When you’re in the thick of things - dealing with this food allergy, and another sleepless night, and your children refusing to eat the food you place in front of them, and sicknesses, and tantrums, and so on - it can feel like it just isn’t ever going to end. But the reason I put the word ‘suddenly’ in the title of this post, is because it all really does happen so suddenly.
Suddenly you have a 1 year old. Suddenly you have a 3-year old and a newborn. Suddenly you have a 7-year old, 4-year old and a newborn. And then suddenly you have a 10-year old, 7-year old and 3-year old (it’s actually my youngests’ birthday today!😂) And the rest. When you step out of the situation and look upon it all as a conscious observer, you realise just how quickly it all speeds by. I say this to myself first and foremost: try your best to enjoy all of it. It will all be over one day.
Motherhood will reveal so much about the people around you/closest to you. And this is not to judge anyone, but it shows you who cares and who perhaps doesn’t. Either way, it’s all good because you are constantly learning and discovering. And what you will learn most of all is that it is better not to have any expectations of anyone, unless you are okay with being let down and disappointed.
Most of all, motherhood will reveal the most about yourSELF.
I’ve said it all in my previous points, but THIS is the place where you come to know yourself in a way like you will never have before. You learn your strength, physically, emotionally, mentally. And you get stronger. You learn your weaknesses. And you get stronger. You learn your abilities or lack thereof… and you get stronger. You fall down, you break down, you break open, you get back up only to fall again. But the point is, motherhood makes you stronger. And that can never be taken away from you.
As the days, months and years go by, I am increasingly grateful for this rollercoaster of a journey that God chose for me (despite how much it tests me!), and for all of the light, beauty and strength it has brought into my life.
And you know what? I actually am excited to witness how it further unfolds. If we are all granted more life (inshaAllah), I wonder what the next ten years will bring, as my children grow and mature into young adults and I become a mother of teens. And the next ten after that, and the next ten after that. What more will motherhood bring? How much more will I be tested and strengthened? How much more will I grow?
Life really is a fascinating unfolding unto itself, isn’t it?
I’d love to hear what you have to add to all I’ve shared above. Leave a comment and let’s chat.😊
Until next time.
Light, Love & Peace,
Sabah ✨💛
🖋What I’ve been creating: One of my recent YouTube videos —> An Ocean of Inner Peace
📚What I’m reading: The Maid by Nita Prose - not sure how I feel about this yet.
🎧What I’m listening to: ‘How to Be the Love You Seek’ by Dr Nicole Le Pera aka The Holistic Psychologist. Amazing so far!
🎶Song of the Week: ‘Paradise’ - Coldplay.
💭Quote I’m contemplating:
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Sabah, I FELT this one from beginning to end. You capture the paradoxes and beauty of motherhood so perfectly. But what hit me most was what you said about motherhood giving us the opportunity to re-parent ourselves, while at the same time, taking away all our time! And don’t get me started on the overwhelm of trying to be an effective parent to both our kids AND ourselves. At the end of the day though, when I set all these high expectations of myself and think I’m failing, I tell myself, “As long as he’s safe, nourished, and knows he is deeply loved - that is what matters most.” You are a phenomenal mother, Sabah!💕 What a joy it must be, I can only imagine, to be your child. How much love, wisdom, and creative spirit you have to pass on. Happiest birthday to all of you!!!🥳