#7: The One with the Racist Neighbour?

The Four Agreements and learning to not allow anyone disturb our inner peace.

Photo by Felix Mittermeier on Unsplash

Dear friend,

How are you? And how is your beautiful, light-filled heart?

I’ve started writing to you today on a Thursday morning, rather than a Saturday night - makes a change! (Although I’m not too sure when you’ll be receiving this!) It’s the kids’ last day at school and I’m feeling a mixture of emotions.

More than anything else, I’m just so, so proud of them for adjusting to school life the way they have, after having been home-schooled for the two years prior. And I’m taking a moment to be proud of myself too - for getting to this point where we can all just take a gigantic sigh of relief. 

School hasn’t been the easiest journey for us, but it sure has brought many lessons and realisations. Maybe I’ll write more on this soon.

---

Earlier this week, when dropping the kids off to school, I walked right past the neighbour on her way back from dropping her kids off at school.

In the times before this when we’ve walked directly past each other, I’ve smiled at her and said hello, only to be ignored completely. Bear in mind, I often see her in the playground chatting animatedly to other mums - who happen to be white too, just like her. So this time, I put my head down and carried on forward, trying not to even glance at her - while becoming increasingly aware of how uncomfortable I felt.

When we first moved into the area in which we live, we were one of the only brown families on our road. Even today, despite more people of colour moving into the area, every once in a while you’ll spot an English flag in someone’s garden, blowing resentfully in the wind or a scowl or look of disdain which clearly reads, “we don’t want you round here”. 

Times may have changed in many ways, but in some ways, sadly, times haven’t really changed at all.

Our kids started playing with said neighbours' children last summer. But now, their children don’t even say hello. They rush past quickly, heads down while trying to suppress a glance upwards. Much like I did, just the other day.

I find it really, really strange. I don’t want to label anyone as racist, but it does make me wonder why we, a brown family, seem to be treated differently to others, so much so, that a simple hello is not even reciprocated?

---

All of that being said, this situation among others that have occurred this week, enabled me to reflect on how easy it is for others to access and vandalise our inner temple if we are not vigilant to what we allow in.

Personally speaking, I have carried people-pleasing tendencies my entire life, wanting to be liked and accepted by all. And although I have come a long way in this aspect of my healing, I still do find it hard when people do not treat me with the kindness and respect that I try my best to extend to all. 

My Spiritual Master once said to me, while I sat crying and spilling my heart out to him, that I must become so strong that nothing can break me.

He often repeated that we must become the eye of the storm; to be still despite whatever is going on around us. If you are the eye of the storm, there could be chaos everywhere, you could be being attacked from all angles, the whole world could be collapsing around you and you would still be okay. Safe, still and at peace in your centre.

And this is why the opportunities to practise and access that stillness arise. Without them, we could never grow.

This is why we encounter seemingly ‘rude’ or ‘racist’ people.

This is why we are put in situations with other people who may have low energy or negative vibes.

This is why at times we may be treated in ways that we think we would never treat another.

It’s all for growth. It’s all to relearn how to just be. It’s all an opportunity to learn to extend unconditional love to all, even if that love needs to be extended from a distance.

This all reminded me of The Four Agreements, outlined in the infamous book written by Don Miguel Ruiz. I listened to the audio version a few years back and although at times I forget to practise what I learned, I have always remembered how simple yet profound the Four Agreements are, and how they hold the power to change how we interact with life and the world around us.

He writes that as human beings, there are four soul agreements that we have made with God, with humanity and with life itself. If we can keep these agreements, they will keep us unchained and free and allow us to live a liberated life.

This is what I take away from the Four Agreements in terms of not allowing anyone to disturb our inner peace:

Agreement 1: Be Impeccable With Your Word

Ruiz describes how powerful our words are: those we speak out loud and those we speak within, consciously and unconsciously. He describes how the human mind is a garden and how it is watered with our words - if we do not water it with the seeds of love and grow that love within ourselves, it can easily be damaged by outside influences. 

For me, this relates massively to how others treat us. If someone mistreats us or responds to us in a way that we don’t like, we can easily take that personally and use their behaviour as a way to water our inner gardens with words that do not serve us.

This is why he says we must be impeccable with our word - our words have the power to change our lives; it is our choice then, what words we choose to use and how much we allow others to affect our choices.

He writes:

“…Impeccability of the word will also give you immunity from anyone putting a negative spell on you. You will only receive a negative idea if your mind is fertile ground for that idea. When you become impeccable with your word, your mind is no longer fertile ground for words that come from black magic.”

Agreement 2: Don’t Take Anything Personally

This agreement helps us to understand that we truly do not know what someone has been through or what they are going through currently. It also emphasises how each human being has their own completely unique worldview which alters their perception of the world. How they respond and react to the world around them is a projection of their own personal reality.

For these reasons, we should try to never take anything personally or see anything as a personal attack on ourselves, even if the person on the other end is setting out to attack us.

If we understand this and work on cultivating our own strong sense of self, whatever others do or however they act cannot affect us as easily. The more we do this, the stronger and more immune we will become to the words, behaviours and actions of others.

Ruiz writes:

“Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians. They can hook you easily with one little opinion, and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up. You take all their emotional garbage, and it becomes your garbage. But if you do not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell. Immunity to the poison of hell is the gift of this agreement.”

Agreement 3: Don’t Make Assumptions

The human mind has a need to understand what is happening and why it is happening, and because of that we can always find ourselves jumping easily from one made-up conclusion to another. 

“She’s racist.”

“She doesn’t like me.”

“He thinks I’m ugly.”

“He’s a terrible person!”

We’re constantly doing it - assuming and judging, judging and assuming.

We turn our assumptions into our own truths, and thus we create our own suffering.

Ruiz explains how making assumptions makes us misunderstand situations, take things personally, place blame and create ‘emotional poison’ with our words. 

He writes,

“We have the need to justify everything, to explain and understand everything, in order to feel safe. We have millions of questions that need answers because there are so many things that the reasoning mind can't explain. It is not important if the answer is correct, just the answer itself makes us feel safe.This is why we make assumptions. If others tell us something, we make assumptions, and if they don't tell us something we make assumptions to fulfil our need to know and communicate. Even if we hear something and we do not understand, we make assumptions about what it means and then believe the assumptions. We make all sorts of assumptions because we do not have courage to ask questions.”

Through making assumptions about others, it is only ourselves that will suffer.

Agreement 4: Always Try Your Best

The final agreement entails integrating the first three agreements so we can live a life as full and as liberated as possible. This agreement encourages us to always do our best with whatever situations and circumstances that we find ourselves in.

Someone being rude to you? Smile at them and wish them a good day.

Your neighbour walks right by without saying hello? Say hello first.

Someone directly insults you? Take it on the chin and walk away.

The way you do your best may look different to how someone else does their best, and that’s okay. Ruiz explains why we should always do our best in any given situation:

“When you do your best, you don't give the judge the opportunity to find you guilty or to blame you. If you have done your best and the judge tries to judge you according to your book of law, you've got the answer: "I did my best." There are no regrets. That is why we always do our best.”

He also says that doing your best is the agreement that helps us to keep all the other agreements. And that even if we break one we must keep on going and keep on trying our best to become better.

---

The Four Agreements is an extremely powerful book full of profound teachings which I will definitely be re-reading in the coming days.

For me, it is a great reminder that we do not get to control other people, but we are always in control of ourselves and how we respond to life and whatever it brings our way at any time. 

Ruiz also wrote in the book that we are “addicted to being the way we are” because the truth is, change is not easy.

Change is difficult, change is painful, change requires self-awareness, courage and growth. 

But if we don’t make the choice to change and to fulfil our ‘Four Agreements’ we will constantly be victims of life and our circumstances, always placing blame outside of ourselves, condemning others and not living life as free and as abundantly as what we came here to experience.

So I can carry on with my personal belief that my neighbour is racist and she just doesn’t like us - and keep myself in my own suffering.

Or I can choose to remember the Four Agreements and understand that even if she is racist, I must not take it personally, I must not make assumptions, I must not allow her behaviour to affect how I feel about myself and I must always try my best - even if that means swallowing my own pride and ego, and saying hello to her even when I really don’t want to, regardless of whether I get a response or not.

I hope this letter can serve as a little reminder to you too, my friend.😊

Let’s keep going, healing, growing and thriving.

And remember, if there’s ever anything you want to talk about, just shoot me a reply to this email.

Sending light, love and peace today and always,

Sabah x

---

Just a quick note - I’ve started creating regular videos for my art and henna YouTube channel. It would be SO amazing if you could check it out, and please subscribe too. Help me to share the healing power of creativity with the world 💛

---

🖋What I’ve been writing: Yes, You Are Traumatised Too

📚What I’m reading: I just finished reading a fictional book called ‘Don’t Let Her Stay’ by Nicola Sanders. It’s a psychological thriller and I really enjoyed it as a way to switch off. It’s free on Kindle Unlimited!

🎧What I’m listening to: ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ by Louise Hay. I’ve listened to this a million times, but I always learn something new.

🎶Song of the Week: ‘Spirits’ by Jamie Woon. My husband introduced me to his music 12 years ago, and I fell in love straight away.

💭Quote I’m contemplating: “We are like the sun in this world. We came here to bring life to everyone and be beneficial to the whole of humanity. We came to be friends with those left in sorrow with broken hearts, we came to share their sorrow and sadness. We came to this world to bring those despised by others, fell onto the ground and smashed under the feet of others, to the rose garden and to bestow them with joy. We are not the sole property of some people like gold. We are like oceans, we are like minerals, and we belong to everyone in this universe. We are not restricted to utterances or speeches. A priceless treasure is hidden inside us.” ~ Rumi, in the Divan-e-Kebir.

---

✨Book a therapeutic healing free consultation session ✨

👀Read more👀

💛 Support my work 💛

🎨Check out my Art Store🎨

💛Join me on Instagram💛

🖋Join me on Medium🖋