Her First Birthday After Death

Live while you’re alive. Die before you die.

Photo by Daiga Ellaby on Unsplash

Dear beloved,

How are you? And how is your beautiful heart?

Last Thursday was my dear friend’s first birthday after her death. She would have been 37.

I was sitting under the shade of a tree in a local park, picnicking with my three beautiful children, a little overwhelmed and overstimulated because of the journey it had taken to get there, when after a few deep breaths and grounding myself into the only moment I will ever have, a soft white feather – that seemingly came from nowhere – landed on the blanket just before me.

It was from Kiran, I just knew it.

Thoughts of her had been lingering all day, but I hadn’t had a moment to go there; I hadn’t had a moment to comprehend the last ten months knowing she had passed on, and the extremely tragic circumstances in which her time here on earth ended.

But in that moment, a lone white feather drifting down from the sky with a message that only I could understand, told me that where she was now, she was okay. And that I was okay, too. And that everything was okay.

I breathed deeply yet gently into the present moment, and I sent a prayer for her soul in the direction of the heavens. And then I gave thanks, deep, soul-felt thanks, for the life that I lead, for the breath in my body and for the entirety of this human experience - for life, for death, for everything in between.

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Kiran and I met when we were 19, as journalists at a Music Awards Ceremony. We were both young and so passionate about music, media and PR, and immediately struck up a close friendship despite the distance between us in terms of where we were based.

What followed was years of meeting up in London, planning events, attending events, vlogging, and even setting up our own music and events PR company (safe to say, we never quite got it off the ground and it failed before it had even begun, but what an experience!). The Kiran I knew back then was one who was full of life, and so deeply passionate about fashion, music and paving her own way in the world, no matter what it took.

In our mid-20s, our lives took different turns. I underwent a spiritual awakening, rediscovered my faith, became a mother and a wife, and embarked on a profound and sacred journey of transformation guided by one of the greatest Spiritual Masters of our time. We remained in touch and shared some beautiful and cherished times, but as time went on, we had naturally settled into a flow of being in and out of touch.

One of the last times I saw Kiran, back in 2019, something in her had changed. Although she had plastered on a smile under the most stunning makeup (she was an incredible artist!), there was a heaviness that was visibly weighing her down and a deep sadness in her eyes. She was spending her days and evenings working a job she had no passion for to bring her husband to the UK from India - a man who I later discovered was abusing her horrifically, along with his mother and sister. When we spoke that evening, over tapas, I saw a little spark in her come back to life when we discussed and made plans for what she really wanted to do with her life, which was fashion. We parted ways that night, not knowing that it would be among the last times we would see each other in this life, but I left happy knowing that through our meeting, she had found a part of herself again that had been lost.

A lot happened in the time between our last meeting and her death, which I won’t get into. But at the time of her passing, despite having gone on her own healing journey, her life had ended with her being in another toxic marriage, with a new set of abusive in-laws, and not following her soul’s calling. And that, in truth, is what is most tragic about her life and her death. It really is.

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For many years now, I have found myself reflecting on death in multiple moments throughout my day, and especially before I fall asleep at night. Not in a morbid way - but in a magical, mesmerising way.

This life can all be over in one heartbeat, one footstep, one blink of an eye. God has shown me that firsthand in my life, which has been speckled by death throughout.

Many of us choose to look at death as an ending. Society teaches us it’s the worst possible thing that could ever happen, selling us products, courses and ‘miracles’ to prevent ageing and delay the inevitable. But for me, the fact that death can come to us at any time is strangely freeing. It’s empowering.

Reflecting on my death encourages me to live while I am still alive, but also to die before I die: to stay true to myself, to stay real to my soul’s calling and to walk with God as my most faithful, loyal and beautiful companion.

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Live While You’re Alive

Earlier this year, I read the most captivating book by death doula, Alua Arthur. Briefly Perfectly Human captures through stunning storytelling and real-life experiences all that it means to be human. She encourages us to make an authentic life by getting real about the end, sharing her own life experiences, which eventually led to her embracing her calling of death doula practice.

There is so much I took from this book and so much I want to share with you, but I would really recommend you read this book for yourself. It’s beautiful. For now, here are some learnings I took away from it that I pray can help you too.

1. Death is not the opposite of life - it’s part of life.

Kiran’s death wasn’t the end of her presence in my life. Actually, now I feel she is more present in my life than in the years leading up to her passing. She would have been 37 last week - just six months before I turn 37. We could have very easily been in each other's places. Her life and her death both now serve as regular deep reminders of what matters.

Allow death to help you cultivate a more alive relationship with both your living and your mortality, too - allow the fragility of life to help you clarify what’s essential.

2. We don’t get to choose when we die, but we do get to choose how to live.

When death comes to take those close to us, it can serve as a beautiful opportunity to highlight and wake up the parts of us lying dormant: our deepest desires, our truth, our creativity and our spiritual longing.

Feel all of the grief, but also take the sacred opportunity to come home to yourself.

3. To ‘live while you’re alive’ means to take off the mask.

Alua writes so powerfully about shedding the performance of the life we think we’re supposed to lead, and choosing to live authentically instead, even if it’s messy. As the years go on, more and more of my masks are falling away, and it’s the most freeing feeling.

I just wonder what Kiran’s life could have been if she had worked through what was holding her back, taken off some of the masks and allowed herself to live fully and authentically while she was alive. Perhaps this is something you could reflect on about yourself, too.

4. A ‘good death’ begins with a good life.

This is one of the key ideas in the book: that if we want to die well, we must live well. As I said, what is most crushing for me about Kiran’s life and death is that she was living far from the truth of who she really was. So far, in fact, that the tragic circumstances of her life directly led to the tragic circumstances of her death.

To leave this life in peace means to live a life of peace. For this, we must realign with our hearts and souls and shed everything that doesn’t.

Reflecting on all of the above, what would you change if you knew your death date was in six months? What can you change starting today?

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Die Before You Die

You will often hear people, especially in self-development spaces, speaking about living life to the full. Go out there, do what you want to do, go where you want to go - but is that really living if it doesn’t come from a place grounded in truth? I feel in such spaces, we often forget that to live life truly to the full - and not out of reaction, ignorance, or blindness - means to undergo the process of de-conditioning, unbecoming and personal liberation.

In Sufism, the concept of ‘die before you die’ is ultimately all about deep soul healing. It’s about gaining control over the ego and shedding the false self, attachments and illusions. It’s a return to the Real, to the Truth - which can only ever be God.

In Briefly Perfectly Human, just as Alua invites us to confront physical death to live more authentically, the Sufi path calls us to die to the ego now, so that we can truly live in spirit. Alive to the present, in companionship with the Divine.

I am not one to comment on my friend’s relationship with God - I knew that she had faith and she loved Him - but I also see how she was bound so tightly by her cultural and social conditioning, accepting toxic cultural norms in order to be loved and accepted. All she ever really wanted was to be loved unconditionally and accepted wholly - I just pray that where she is now, she’s experiencing all of that, and more.

When I reflect on Kiran’s life, I feel truly grateful for my own - a gratitude that goes beyond words and worlds. I know the path that I was brought to is not for everyone and nor am I suggesting it should be. But for me, this Sufi path of healing, non-violence and peace-making, although it has completely brought me to my knees and shattered me wide open - has brought me peace, contentment and an unwavering faith in God despite any outer life circumstances.

And this is what I mean by ‘die before you die’. To be so connected to God, to the universe and to the whole of humanity, that when physical death comes, nothing really changes. Because you are already Home.

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Kiran’s first birthday after death felt strange, yet sacred. I couldn’t reach out to her via Whatsapp or a phonecall, but I could feel her everywhere. She was in the sky that morning; she was in the feather that flew down from heaven; she was in the chaos of being with the the kids; she was in the stillness of the water that we sat besides in the park, and she was in the deep ache that crept up unexpectedly.

She was in the laughter too, in the memories that came rushing back: our inside jokes, the way she was always there for me, all of our silly little videos and all the fun times we shared together.

Her death cracked something open in me. And in that space, something softer began to grow - a longing to live even more truthfully, even more deeply, even more with God.

With tears streaming down my face as the sun streams down on me while writing this closing, I know so deeply that I don’t want to wait for death to remind me of what matters. And I don’t want that for you either. I want to live now, while I’m alive. To keep dying to the parts of me that were never free. To return to God in every breath. To let Love, not fear, guide me forward. And to give myself completely in the love and service of humanity.

Kiran reminded me, without even trying, that life is brief but beautiful, and that laughter, connection, presence... these are the things that make it holy.

I carry her with me now, not as a weight, but as a light. As a reminder that every day is a kind of birthday, a chance to begin again, a chance to return again to the One.

May we all live while we’re alive. May we die before we die.

And may we live our lives returning to Love, over and over again.

“Joti jot ralee, sampooran theea raam.”

Her light merged into the Eternal Light, and she became complete in God.

—Guru Granth Sahib, Ang 922

With Light, Love & Peace,

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