The Mental (Over)Load of Mothers

If you don't know already, it's a lot.

Photo by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash

Dear friend,

How are you? And how is your heart?

They say the average human being thinks approximately 60,000 thoughts every day. That’s a whole lot of thinking. Yet I can’t help but feel that the average person that these figures are based upon are not women - and most definitely not mother’s. I’m pretty sure that if you took a microscope to the mind of a mother, that number would be significantly higher.

They went to bed too late. I need to pray. But if I do my workout now, they’re going to be really hungry. How long have they been watching TV? I need to take chicken out of the freezer. Will it even defrost in time for me to cook dinner? I need to cook. But the little one won’t be able to eat that. I feel so ugly. Do I have time to straighten my hair? She hasn’t had any fruit today.

Since entering motherhood over 10 years ago, life set me on sail on what would be the most stormy, boat-rocking voyage of my whole life. It’s only in recent weeks, however, that I’ve begun to tune in to one of the reasons that it has felt and continues to feel so overwhelming for me… it’s the constantness of it all. The constant doing. The constant thinking. The constant thoughts. Once I realised that, over the last few days, I fine-tuned even further into what these thoughts are, allowing myself to become a conscious observer of my own ‘mother mind’. Allowing everything to arise without judgement and not suppressing anything that did, I suddenly became aware of just how loud the noise is in there and how much weight I’m actually carrying. Through this, I gradually became aware of how overloaded I was with the mental load of motherhood.

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He doesn’t have clean pyjamas. If I put a wash on now will it even dry in time? There’s no tuna left, we have some cheese but he won’t eat that for lunch. I haven’t even brushed out her hair today. It’s gonna take me at least twenty minutes but I need to change his nappy. Ugh, this house is literally a mess. I haven’t hoovered in two weeks. I really need to film a video. I haven’t replied to Mum’s WhatsApp message and it’s been 2 days. We need clean sheets. Will I get time to write tonight? Is he going to sleep?

Here’s the thing and I stand by this completely. As if being a woman wasn’t hard enough in the world in which we live, motherhood is probably the biggest responsibility and the most difficult yet most important job in the entire world, yet it is mothers who are the least supported by society.

There’s no manual for this - and there’s definitely no village, not any more. We are thrown completely into the deep end; no life jacket, no armbands, no instructor. Many of us are just about treading water, but there are some of us whose muffled screams are being swallowed by the stormy sea. There are some of us that, although appear to be doing just fine on the surface, if you look close enough or deep enough, you’ll realise that we are, in fact, drowning.

I am such a shit mum. I feel like I’m failing them in every way. I really need to get some work in. There’s another birthday coming up, I need to get sorted. He really needs new trainers. Her underwear is all too small. I’ve had that course sitting in my to-do list for a year and I haven’t even completed module one. How does everyone else do this? I really need to put a wash on. There is sooo much laundry that needs folding and putting away. I hate laundry. Why does it never end? Aargh, but I still need to cook. If I don’t cook, we don’t eat. How am I supposed to build and grow my business when there is no time? I haven’t had a haircut in over 2 and a half years. Is that even normal? Why am I not like other women? What is wrong with me? Oh, I need to wash the dishes again. Are they okay in the other room? What are they doing?

I really don’t mean to exaggerate and I certainly am not, because it really is a lot. This is literally my mind every single day. My burning question is: how on earth are women - mothers - meant to do everything that is expected of us without completely and utterly burning out, breaking down or both?

We are expected to take care of the home, cook, clean, do the laundry; we are expected to be presentable, to look nice, to not gain weight, to not go grey, to dress well, to work out; we are expected to work and have our own income, or in some cases, be the main source of income, while also contributing to the household in more ways than we already do; we’re expected to remember birthdays and all other special occasions, to make sure those we love get cards and gifts, and make sure everyone feels special on their special day. The list could go on and on and on.

But on top of that already impossibly high mountain is placed the biggest yet most important boulder of all - a mountain all unto itself: we are expected to raise our children and raise them well. And for those of us who are aware of just how great a responsibility parenthood is in terms of the growth and the betterment of all of humanity, it is this boulder alone that can make the entire mountain way too heavy to carry. Without the support that we need, it is this boulder that can break us, when it is this very blessing that should actually be enlightening our lives.

I haven’t spent any one-on-one time with them in days. She misses me so much, all she wants is a cuddle. The sink is full again. I haven’t deep-cleaned the bathroom in ages. I need to call the bank. He can’t eat that and he can’t eat that, what am I supposed to do? I wonder if these allergies will pass? I wonder when he’ll actually start sleeping? Is keeping them home the right thing to do? They need friends. I need to get out. I need to be alone. Please stop scratching. But they need to get out too. It’s a lovely day. It’s too nice for them to be indoors. I am not doing enough for them. I am not enough for them. I am not enough. 

And it is all of this, piled up, one on top of the other that can leave us mothers feeling like we aren’t good enough. Like we aren’t doing enough. Like we aren’t enough.

There is so much pressure, too much pressure to be everything all together, all at once. How can we be the mothers that we want to be and the mothers that we and our children deserve us to be when we are forced to spin so many different plates? Why is it that we live in a society so violent that it would rather watch us burn ourselves out and make ourselves sick in more ways than one, than, God forbid, pass a plate on to another or put one of those plates down lest it should fall, break and smash? And then torment us even further with guilt, shame and judgement were the latter to happen? 

I wish I had mum friends. I wish we had more family that lived closer. I wish there were other homeschooling parents in our area. I wish I had more support. I wish I could get a break without having to worry about a single little thing. I wish I had the space to break down and cry and release all of this fully without the children hearing. I wish I could just go and sit and paint without having to worry about anyone else. I wish I could have the time and space to write without my flow or my thoughts being interrupted. I wish I wasn’t so ungrateful. I wish I could be more grateful. I just wish things were easier. Better. I wish I could be better. I wish I could do more, be more, have more. 

It’s exhausting. It really, really is. And I am tired. I love my children beyond what words could even describe and none of this is in any way their fault or their doing. They are the most innocent, pure, beautiful and radiant little beings who teach me, guide me and make me smile every single day.

What this is, however, is the result of living in a patriarchal society that doesn’t value women and mothers for their invaluable worth. A society whose indoctrination runs so deep that even the more conscious of souls among us are still being played and done dirty.

As individuals, men and women, we must do better.

As women, we must demand the support that we need, the respect that we deserve and the love that we so readily and freely give.

As men, we must learn to see our women, hear our women and raise them up to the status that God bestowed them with; so pure and so holy that they and only they are the carriers and bearers of life. As men, we must be able to see and allow ourselves to see when our women are breaking underneath the weight of it all, and offer our hands and our hearts to lighten their loads.

I don’t have any advice, inspiration or tips to share today. I don’t know how to make things better or where to go from here right now, although since committing to a ten-minute per day meditation practice I do get at least those ten minutes where my mind is still - even if the children are running circles around me.

Although this post is a little all over the place, these words have sprung forth from my heart and just to let them out into the world, knowing that there are so many women out there who probably feel the same yet feel alone, feels like a relief. I want you to know that you are not alone and although we are carrying these loads, we are carrying them together.

It is written in the Holy Qur’an,

“God does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear” (2:286)

and I’m sure whatever path, faith or religion you follow, these words can bring you the comfort you may be seeking too, regardless of whatever your burden may be.

You are stronger and more capable than you know. And if no one has told you today, this week, this month or this year, I see you and I am proud of you. You’re frikkin’ amazing.

See you next week, same time, same place.

With Light, Love & Peace,

Sabah x

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Check out my latest arty YouTube video:

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🖋What I’ve been writing: Honestly, nothing up until now 😥 but that’s all set to change. However, I have been posting a lot of stream-of-consciousness videos on my Instagram and TikTok. Check them out and let’s connect there too 😊

📚What I’m reading: Welcome Home by Najwa Zebian - a self-help and healing book all about creating a stable and solid foundation and home within yourself. It’s a powerful and beautiful read so far.

🎧What I’m listening to: The podcast In Hindzsight - this is like a big giant hug in your ears. I love Hindz so much!

🎶Song of the Week/Month/YEAR: Hinds Hall by Macklemore 🇵🇸

💭Quote I’m contemplating: “…because being a ‘bad mother’ is one of the worst things you can be in a sexist society, women will do just about anything to avoid the label. This keeps mothers on a hamster wheel, blaming themselves rather than asking for help. It forces all mothers to pretend that things are easier than they are, creating the illusion that motherhood is not challenging work. This leaves virtually all mothers wondering if they’re the only ones struggling, and therefore wondering why they can’t seem to do what everyone else does with ease. Mom-guilt convinces mothers we don’t deserve more or better, because we’re not doing enough, or mothering correctly.” ~

Zawn Villines

💛

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