#6: The One with the 10-Year Marriage Anniversary
10 years of marriage has taught me these 10 things about life.
Dear friend,
How are you? And how is your beautiful heart? All doing well, I hope. Let me know when you can, it would be so great to hear from you!💛
I know, I know. I haven’t written to you in over 3 weeks - my bad. Life can be a lot sometimes, you know? And as hard as the decision is to make, sometimes I simply have to prioritise catching up on some sleep instead of writing well into the dead of the night. I do promise to continue trying my best to be regular with these letters though, so thank you for bearing with me.🙏🏼
So 3 weeks ago, exactly when my last letter was due actually, my husband and I celebrated ten years of marriage with a gorgeous butter chicken curry, mixed grill and garlic naan. I’m surprised it wasn’t a Nandos, as Nandos has been kinda pivotal throughout all the years we have been together. But there was chicken - and chicken is always good.😁
We didn’t have a wedding - just a very small, quiet, simple ceremony in my elder sister’s front room. When I think back to that day, and the jumble of nerves and emotions that danced haphazardly around my stomach, I see a young girl who thought she knew a lot but in fact, didn’t know very much at all. And one of the things she didn’t know very much at all was… herself.
In the ten years since we have been ‘joined together in holy matrimony’, I can only speak for myself in the relationship and say that I am a very different person to who I once was, yet in some ways still the same. But I now know myself so much more intimately and deeply than my 24-year-old self, all those years ago.
There have been and continue to be so many challenges, tests and battles to overcome, and at the same time so many opportunities for growth, healing and expansion. I am healing, and breaking down, and growing, and breaking open all at the same time. What a glorious, messy human I am. 😄
But this isn’t just another blog post about marriage. In this letter, I’m sharing ten lessons that life has taught me through marriage, and how marriage has helped me to evolve into the (slightly) more conscious, little more aware person I am today. I share all of this humbly and from my own life experience. Please take whatever is good and resonates for you now, and feel free to leave the rest. 😊
Let’s get into it.
1. Marriage is a mirror and the ultimate school for inner healing
If we seek a relationship as the unhealed version of ourselves, then we attract the exact perfect person to give us the opportunity to heal. When we go through the ups and downs that come with all relationships, romantic or not, we can choose to be victims of circumstance or we can choose to be seizers of opportunity and use whatever is presented before us as a way to shine a light on the parts of us that need love, attention and healing.
I was just at the very beginning of my healing journey when I married my husband, so as you may have guessed, a LOT has come up over the course of our marriage so far. But what I have learnt, is that without this marriage there would have been many parts of myself and many wounds that I may never have become aware of. Marriage has most certainly placed me in the ultimate school for inner healing and in the playground of growth and expansion. And when you see it like this, it really is the biggest blessing.
2. Communication is necessary, communication is key
Without communication, there is no relationship. Or no relationship based in truth and authenticity, I should say. And this stands for all relationships, and a lesson I continue to learn over and over again (hopefully I’ll get the message one of these days!😝)
Lack of communication can leave both people in a relationship feeling lonely, misunderstood, rejected, anxious and even depressed. But as hard as open and honest communication can be at times, it is truly the key that will open the doors to your togetherness and help you to feel seen, heard and connected again.
Even if at times speaking your truth feels like the hardest thing in the world to do, choose the hard thing and do it anyway. Honouring your relationship means honouring yourself in the relationship first, and maybe that starts with some open communication on your part.
3. Your life does not have to look like everyone else’s
My husband and I are not your average Joe and Sally. I think we might just be a little too exotic for that 😅
But seriously, what I’ve come to realise more and more is that the way we choose to live our lives is very unlike the majority. We don’t follow the typical socially ordered way of doing things - not condemning that in any way at all - it’s just not how we choose to live.
There have been times in the last ten years when I have really questioned my life after falling down the social-media-fuelled rabbit hole of judgement and comparison, but then I always find myself coming back to the same truth: that if my life feels good to me, it doesn’t have to look good to anyone else. And it most certainly does not have to look like anyone else’s at all.
And yours doesn’t have to either.
4. If you are not moving forwards, you are going backwards
We live in a universe made up of energy, and energy is constantly moving or changing. An idea I heard the other day in Bob Proctor’s ‘You Were Born Rich’ programme was that, because of all of life being energy and being in constant movement, if you are not moving forwards, you are going backwards - and this resonated a lot and kinda scared me a little, not gonna lie.
In marriage, in relationships, in life in general, if we are not growing or moving forwards in any way, then we are actually going backwards. The sheer thought of that gives me the motivation and inspiration to focus attention into areas of my life that feel stagnant and make the necessary changes so that the cogs start spinning in the right direction again. I hope this idea can inspire you to do the same.
5. Sex is not sinful, exploring your sexuality is not shameful
Now, this. This this this this this this this.
This could be a whole series of letters in itself, so maybe we’ll have to make ‘Letters of Love, Light and Sex’ a thing 😜.
Growing up as a Pakistani, Muslim girl in 21st-century Britain, it was ingrained into me by my confused culture and the mindsets that are bound by it, that sex was the worst, most shameful thing in the world. Only married couples engaged in it for the simple act of procreation, and even then, it was all hush-hush. You couldn’t speak about it, ask questions about it or even dare to think about new and exciting ways to explore it.
I’ve come a long way over the last ten years, even simply in the way I think about sex. I now think it is one of the most beautiful experiences a human being can have, a holy act of pure and utter devotion to God and to yourself, and one of the most sacred ways to connect to another human being.
Sex is not sinful. Sex is not shameful. And you deserve to explore it and the pleasures it brings as much as you freakin’ want to! I never thought I’d be writing about sex on the internet, but hey, we really have come a long, long way.😉
6. Parenthood is quite possibly the most difficult but most blessed journey a couple could embark on together
Sometimes my husband and I will exchange a look or a little glance, laced with exasperation and exhaustion, but a look that tells the other “we’re in this together” - and honestly, on the days that we think parenthood might kill one or both of us, it’s these little moments that pull us through.
Becoming parents will test your relationship in ways you never even thought possible, pushing you right to the edge where sometimes you might even think it best to jump off yourself. Raising little humans takes everything. It takes everything. Energy, courage, strength, fortitude, bravery, every remaining part of you that is still hanging on… it takes all of you.
At the same time though, it gives you so much. Energy, courage, strength, fortitude, and bravery, as well as sunshine on rainy days, fits of giggles, heartwarming hugs, moments of bliss and complete presence, and a love that is so pure and so true that it is unexplainable through words.
Parenthood really is the most difficult but most blessed experience a couple can share. It might tear you apart, but when you remember that you’re both in it together, it will always bring you back together again.
7. Abundance isn’t just monetary
TikTok manifestors and Law of Attraction enthusiasts may have you chanting abundance mantras and scribbling down abundance affirmations in order to draw more wealth into your life. And although that may be great for some, I think they’re missing a major point: that abundance is not just about financial wealth. In fact, you could be financially poor and still be abundantly rich.
The last ten years have seen peaks and troughs for us as a couple, financially - but among all of that, we have always been and continue to be so abundant. Our abundance is not based on our financial status, and it has taken me some time to fully realise that.
We are abundant because we were created abundant. Our lives have been filled with such beautiful, life-changing experiences. We have encountered the most incredible souls. We are surrounded by such beauty, each and every day. Our children light up the world. And we always have absolutely everything we need.
This simple shift of perspective may help you to appreciate the abundance in your life too.
8. Change is always possible
Life is not meant to stay the same. We are not meant to stay the same. And as much as you might think that you are stuck or that something or someone will never change, change is always possible.
As a couple and individually we have hit some hard walls. Things or situations that we may have thought we wouldn’t ever be able to change or get through. But I have witnessed and experienced the incredible things that can happen when you make the choice to change, and then follow through on the action required to create it. I have witnessed growth and change in my husband too, and it is the most wonderful thing to bear witness to.
I wish us all change in the areas of our lives where we need it the most. It’s always possible. And it always begins with awareness and a choice.
9. Being open will help you grow
I can be stubborn, I’m well aware of it. And my husband can be a stubborn mare at times, too. But what marriage has taught me is that despite our stubbornness, there is always a middle path that can be taken.
More often than not, all it requires is you to open your mind and heart a little bit. To open yourself up to the idea that you might actually be wrong and there may just be a better/more efficient/more easy approach or idea.
Marriage and most relationships require some kind of compromise - a mutual understanding that the parties involved are going to work to find the middle path together. Being open to this, and being open to life in general, will help you to grow.
Whenever you find yourself stuck between a rock and a hard place, remember this.
10. You are stronger and more capable than you know
As amazing and beautiful as marriage is and can be, it is not bloody easy, that’s for sure. And that’s because marriage is a breeding ground for growth and growth can be so utterly painful.
But remember, that painful growth is also what turns the caterpillar into the butterfly.
Life has tested me to breaking point again and again over the past ten years. But through that, the strength I have cultivated is something I could have once never even imagined.
This past decade has seen me bear witness to my own growth, change and expansion at many times and in many ways. I have also become aware of how strong and capable I am, and the realisation that there is more strength and capability in me than I even know.
Let this serve as a reminder to you too - you are stronger and more capable than you think you are.
As it’s now 2 am for me while writing this and the fact that I’ve left you with a lot to reflect on, I’m going to leave it at that.
If anything in this letter resonated with you, please do share this with someone who could benefit.
Until next time, my friend.
Light, Love & Peace from my heart to yours,
Sabah x
Just a quick note - I’ve started creating regular videos for my art and henna YouTube channel. It would be SO amazing if you could check it out, and please subscribe too. Help me to share the healing power of creativity with the world 💛
🖋What I’ve been writing: 10 Spiritual Mr Miyagi Quotes That Can Help You Live a More Enlightened Life
📚What I’m reading: The Myth of Normal by Dr Gabor Maté (THIS BOOK IS INCREDIBLE.)
🎧What I’m listening to: The ‘You Were Born Rich’ Program by Bob Proctor on Audible
🎶Song of the Week: Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield (the acoustic version is 🔥)
💭Quote I’m contemplating: “We should never wait for science to give us permission to do the uncommon; if we do, then we are turning science into another religion. We should be brave enough to contemplate our lives, do what we thought was “outside the box”, and do it repeatedly. When we do that, we are on our way to a greater level of personal power.” ~ Dr Joe Dispenza.
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Sabah, these were such great points and they ALL resonated. Happy 10th Anniversary, by the way! I think the point I have the most trouble with is number 4, if you’re not moving forward, you’re moving backward. I often feel stuck, like I’m just coasting through life and paralyzed to take a decision. This is one that I’ll spend some time thinking about. Thank you for sharing such lovely and hard-won lessons from your marriage❤️